A Quick Guide to Discernment Counseling
Hi, I'm Emily, a couples therapist and discernment counselor right here in Chicago! I've been working with couples presenting with various needs for over five years, including those who feel uncertain about the future of their relationship but are hesitant to commit to couples therapy due to existing hurt or skepticism about the therapeutic process. In my experience, this often creates a specific "stuck" feeling for both the couple and the therapist, with no clear next step.
Understandably, many couples turn to traditional couples therapy when facing uncertainty in their marriage, but to many people’s surprise, it might not always be the ideal solution. Couples therapy can stall quickly if one partner is unsure about working on the relationship or is contemplating ending it. Here enters discernment counseling!
A Quick Guide to Discernment Counseling
Discernment counseling is a short-term treatment, lasting one to five sessions, specifically designed for married couples or those who have made a similar lifelong commitment. The primary objective is to help couples navigate their ambivalence about staying together or ending the relationship.
Typically, one partner is leaning in, eager to save the marriage, while the other is leaning out and seriously considering ending it; this mixed agenda often limits progress in traditional therapy settings. Imagine you are seriously contemplating divorcing your spouse, and your couples therapist encourages you to be affectionate, spend more quality time together, offer them reassuring behavior, or freaking tell you to take a love language quiz. No way you’ll feel like doing any of that, right? While this could be a healthy step, it's like being asked to "zig" when you've already tried to "zag." Discernment counseling meets each partner where they are, avoiding the confusion and frustration that come from being asked to do something they don’t want or are not ready to do.
With all that being said, my goal as a discernment counselor is to collaborate with the couple to gain clarity and confidence about the direction of their marriage, offering three paths forward:
- Path One: The marriage remains unchanged.
- Path Two: Pursue separation/divorce.
- Path Three: A six-month commitment to couples therapy.
Most of the time during sessions is spent working with each partner individually, exploring their differing goals for the relationship, delving into events that contribute to their current stance, and focusing on their individual contributions to the relationship's issues. All of which I help you do by asking insightful and strategic questions. This approach helps identify each partner's role in the marriage, offering a new perspective on aspects that can be changed. For instance, a spouse who realizes the impact of prioritizing their career can work to acknowledge their spouse's hurt and decide whether they want to change this moving forward.
A significant part of what I do is to refrain from taking a stance on whether the couple should stay together or get a divorce. Instead, my role is to empathetically explore each partner's contributions to the marriage and discern whether they are open to changing what they do and don’t contribute to the relationship. At the end of each session, the couple decides whether to schedule another discernment counseling session, with a maximum of five sessions.
Both couples therapy and discernment counseling can be challenging, but opting for discernment counseling during relationship ambivalence might save time, money, and ample emotional distress.
