Discernment Counseling in Chicago, Illinois
Discernment Counseling with Emily Buettner, LMFT
Structured work for couples on the brink, and a place to start on your own when only one of you is ready.
If You're Reading This at Midnight
Most people find this page in the middle of something hard. Maybe one of you said the word "divorce" out loud for the first time. Maybe you've had the same fight so many times you could recite both sides. Maybe your partner is pulling away and you're searching for anything that might help, or you're the one pulling away and you feel guilty for even looking.
Here's something we see over and over: it's almost always one person who reaches out first. Sometimes the other partner isn't ready. Sometimes they refuse to come at all. That doesn't mean you're out of options. It means you get to choose where to start.
Two Ways to Get Unstuck
There are two good paths from here, and the right one depends on where you and your partner are right now.
Discernment Counseling, together
For couples where both partners are willing to come in, even if one is leaning out.
A short, structured process of one to five sessions with Emily to decide the future of your relationship. Private pay.
Emily's schedule is currently taking DC clients for Discernment Counseling.
Individual Therapy, on your own
For anyone who can't wait, or whose partner isn't ready to join.
Ongoing support with one of our relational therapists to understand what's happening, what you want, and what's in your control. Can often be billed to insurance.
Openings available now.
Not sure which fits? Book an appointment and we'll help you figure it out in a free consultation.
Meet Emily Buettner, LMFT
Hi, I'm Emily. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, a co-founder of Hearten Therapy, and a certified discernment counselor.
When one partner is leaning out of the relationship and the other wants to keep trying, it creates a painful dynamic for both partners that traditional couples therapy is not designed to support. Discernment Counseling was built for that stuck place.
I also know that the hardest part often happens before anyone sits down with me. One person is ready to look at the relationship honestly and the other isn't there yet. If that's you, starting with individual therapy isn't settling for less. It's doing the part of the work that belongs to you.
What Is Discernment Counseling?
Discernment counseling is not couples therapy. It is a short-term process, one to five sessions, designed for married or long-term committed couples where one partner is seriously considering ending the relationship and the other hopes to preserve it. The goal is clarity, not persuasion. There is no assumption that staying together is the right outcome.
This work helps you:
Gain clarity and confidence about the future of your relationship
Understand how you arrived at this point
Explore each person's part in the relational dynamic
Choose a direction: maintain the relationship as it is, move toward separation, or commit to at least six months of Couples Therapy.
Emily's guide, a quick guide to discernment counseling, goes deeper into how it works and who it's for.
How It Works: Emily’s Process
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Step 1: Consultation Calls
Each partner meets with Emily individually for a complimentary 20 to 30-minute call. These calls confirm that discernment counseling is the right fit. If both partners are ready to commit to ongoing therapy, or a decision to divorce has already been made, Emily will recommend a different path.
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Step 2: Intake Session
A two-hour session that includes some time together, with most of it spent working individually with each partner. You explore where things stand, how you got here, and whether either of you is open to change.
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Step 3: Follow-Up Sessions
Up to four 90-minute sessions focused on individual motivations, relational patterns, and the possibility of change. At the end of each one, you and your partner choose a direction based on where you are now, not where you think you should be.
When You're the Only One Ready
Discernment counseling needs both partners in the room. Real life doesn't always cooperate. Your partner may not believe anything will help, may feel like they've already decided, or may simply say no. And waiting for them to change their mind can feel like standing still while everything around you moves.
Individual therapy lets you stop waiting. It's a place to work on the same core question, what do I want and what is actually possible here, with someone in your corner.
If you're the one hoping to save it, you'll get room to stop chasing, understand the patterns you keep falling into, and figure out what's actually within your control. When one person changes how they show up, the whole relationship often shifts with them.
If you're the one leaning out, you'll have space to sort through guilt, doubt, and mixed feelings without anyone pushing you either way. Whatever you decide, you'll decide it with care instead of in the middle of another fight.
If you honestly don't know, you'll start to untangle what belongs to the relationship and what belongs to stress, anxiety, or older patterns, so you can hear what you actually want.
And if your partner comes around later, you'll walk into discernment counseling or couples therapy already understanding yourself better. We wrote more about this in how individual therapy can strengthen your relationship, even if you're coming alone.
What Emily Brings to Discernment Work
Approaching ten years of experience with couples in stuck and high-conflict dynamics
A relational lens, even when meeting individually with each partner
Strategic, thoughtful questions that cut through circular conversations
Deep respect for your autonomy and your decision-making process
"I do not take sides or push for a specific outcome. I help each of you explore your patterns, your pain, and your potential so you can move forward with clarity."
Every therapist on our team shares that relational lens, which is why individual therapy at Hearten stays focused on your relationship, not just on you in isolation. Meet our team.
“I do not take sides or push for a specific outcome. I help each of you explore your patterns, your pain, and your potential so you can move forward with clarity.”
Fees and Format
Discernment Counseling
Consultation calls: complimentary
Initial session, two hours: $350
Follow-up sessions, 90 minutes: $275
Private pay, not billable to insurance
Individual Therapy
Free consultation to get started
Can often be billed to insurance. We're in network with BCBS PPO, UnitedHealthcare PPO, and Aetna PPO
Superbills available for out-of-network plans, and private pay is always an option
All sessions are virtual and available to residents throughout Illinois.
Which Path Fits You?
Discernment counseling may be the right fit if:
Your partner is willing to come in, even if they're skeptical
One of you is leaning out and you feel stuck without progress
You've tried Couples Therapy, but it missed the bigger question of commitment
You want a clear decision with a defined beginning and end
Individual therapy may be the right fit if:
Your partner won't come, or isn't ready yet
You don't want to wait for a discernment opening
You need room to figure out what you want before talking about it together
You want to understand your own patterns, whatever happens with the relationship
Still not sure? That's exactly what the free consultation is for.
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No. Couples Therapy is for partners who both want to work on the relationship. Discernment counseling is a short-term process for couples where one partner is leaning out and the other wants to keep trying, and the goal is a clear decision about what comes next.
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One to five sessions. After two complimentary consultation calls, there is a two-hour intake session and up to four 90-minute follow-up sessions.
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Yes. If your partner isn't ready, individual therapy is a good place to begin working through the decision on your own.
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Emily's schedule is currently accepting clients in DC. Individual therapy is available now, and it's often a helpful first step whether or not you move into discernment later.
Frequently Asked Questions
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Yes. It gives you space to understand your own patterns, needs, and mixed feelings, so you can decide with more clarity, whatever your partner chooses to do.
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Not at all. For many people it's where the most important work happens. Understanding yourself gives you steadier footing for any decision, together or apart.
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Yes, as long as the decision isn't final. If one partner has already firmly decided to end the relationship, Emily will recommend a different path.
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Yes. All sessions are virtual and available anywhere in Illinois.
You Don't Need the Answer Yet
The decision in front of you is a big one, and it deserves more than another late-night list of pros and cons. You don't have to wait for your partner, or for an opening, to start getting clear. Book an appointment and let's find the right place for you to begin.
